10-16-2000. OLD PEOPLE AND CLOWNS AND DINNER
I saw an old man shaking people’s hands. He had a big red nose. Not unlike WC Fields’ nose but bigger. He greeted a lot of people but I could not help but wonder if when folks looked him in the face they were looking at his nose just because. I looked more closely at his nose and it was red and crattery. My first thought was, “I sure would love a nose like that when I get old." What a terrible thing to wish for but I would love people to remember me with some aspect that seems nonhuman or over-human.
He made me think of clowns and I loved that Soapy the Clown.
Me with a big human flesh, red nose and a smile. Maybe my face would form a big red mouth because I refused Carmex for so long and chapped lips became bright red and formed Saturn rings around my mouth. What a wonderful day that will be. Every eyelash-wish I get I wish for big hands. I deeply am afraid of big hands but I dare my fear. What if now I change that wish to something that would bring smiles of yesteryear and tears of present terror? I hope my clown face will come.
Sometimes I will look at a woman and guess what she is having for her next meal. I watched a fifty-year-old woman sing today and all I could think of -besides that she is like the friend’s mom who hell I don’t know I don’t have a friend’s mom like her- as I drift on thinking, I bet she is going to the Kentucky Dam Lodge after church and will enjoy the seafood buffet. I’ll bet she loves “peel & eat” shrimp but she’ll tell you white fish is her favorite. The reserved folk will never admit to liking peel & eat shrimp. It’s like admitting you like the cake better than the frosting. Bull puckey. I hope today is her day to have all-she-can-eat shrimp. And scallops.