Have you seen all the great ideas for new movies and television shows we had in ISSUE IX? And yet, not one is currently in development. So it's back to the drawing board! Here's what we'd do if we were in charge.

"UNCLE FRIEND"
Jessica is being "raised" by a single "mom". In this half-hour dramedy, we watch 12-year-old Jessica come of age as she is introduced to an endless string of her mother's boyfriends. Special "Uncle" appearances by Scott Baio, William Shatner, Warwick Davis and Conan O'Brien.

"UNCLE PHARMACIST"
A new children's show hosted by a wacky, pill-dispensing pharmacist who "fixes" all of the li'l kiddies problems by getting them hopped up and strung out. This week's episode: Little Susie gets quite a scare when she mysteriously becomes pregnant. Uncle Pharmacist saves the day with a quick dose of abortion pill RU-486.

"THE SHITTYs"
A wacky slice-of-life comedy about a bunch of truly awful assholes who constantly scream obscenities and insults at each other. This week's episode: "Frank" beats his wife "Sheila" so bad that she loses an eye. Also, little "Teddy" gets molested...again.

"OFFICER ARSONIST MD"
An hour-long action-drama about a police officer who is also an emergency room surgeon and a compulsive arsonist. This week's episode: Officer Arsonist MD burns down a church during Sunday mass, tends to the injured victims, and then arrests himself, securing that fat promotion he'd been bucking for.

"BLOW-JOB CAFE"
A live one-hour musical variety show set in a kooky diner staffed by deranged, sex-addicted Vietnam vets. Each musical number and/or comedy routine is followed by a real live blow-job. This week's episode: Special guest Donny Most gets stabbed while trying to keep Staff Sergeant Rick Jones from giving him a blow-job.

"THE BULLETS"
A 'Claymation' series in which two bullets can't find real work because they're bullets. Steve Harvey does the voice of the "22" and Jeff Foxworthy plays the voice of "Buckshot". Every time they do get work they always get fired. And they always end up landing in some guest celebrity.

"Nobody will hire bullets."
"I think I want to work with kids."
"I want to be a construction worker."
"I've never had rabbit."