My first big celebrity interview was kind of disappointing, to say the least. My second was downright scary. Still, I decided to give it another try. I contacted Samuel L. Jackson's manager, who arranged for me to meet with:

H: Sgt. Dan 'Hondo' Harrelson (S.W.A.T.)
AG: Agent Augustus Gibbons (XXX)
DG: Doyle Gipson (Changing Lanes)
EP: Elijah Price (Unbreakable)
S: John Shaft (Shaft)
RF: Russell Franklin (Deep Blue Sea)
DR: Lt. Danny Roman (The Negotiator)
EM: Elmo McElroy (Formula 51)
OR: Ordell RObbie (Jackie Brown)
MH: Mitch Henessey (The Long Kiss Goodnight)
CH: Carl Lee Hailey (A Time To Kill)
FS: Rev. Fred Sultan (The Great White Hype)
Z: Zeus Carver (Die Hard With a Vengeance)
J: Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)

I arrived at his hotel and knocked on the door.

kp: Mr. Jackson?
OR: What the fuck you doin' knockin on the door like the goddamn police? You wanna die?

kp: Hi, it’s Kittenpants. I’m here for the interview.
OR: What the fuck happened to you? Shit, your ass used to be beautiful!

kp: Oh. You think?
S: You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if Pharaoh himself gave it to you, you knock-off-wearing motherfucker.

kp: I guess. Mind if I look around a little bit?
S: I see you someplace I don't think you belong, I will kill you.

kp: Ha ha…I’m sure.
H: So why you smiling?

kp: Oh. You’re serious.
OR: I'm serious as a heart attack.

kp: One of us got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
EP: One of us has made a gross error, and wasted the other person's valuable time.

kp: Maybe I'll just come back later.
EP: You made that decision, and I find that very interesting. Now all I need is your credit card number.

kp: Why? You want to charge me?
DG: What I want is my morning back. I need my time back. Can you give me my time back? Huh? Can you?

kp: I’ve been here less than 2 minutes.
AG: You've passed the test.

kp: What do you say we start this interview? Shall we sit?
S: You know me. It's my duty to please that booty.

***