Interview: MICHAEL IAN BLACK
AUG 2003.
KP Issue XXVIII: GRANDMA DONE GONE TOTALLY NUTS
corn mo: Do your friends call you Michael or Mike or Michael Ian? Mike Black sounds like "right back". Why not Michael Black? What about Special Dark?
mib: My friends generally call me Mitch or Magic.
cm: Do you know you're good looking?
mib: Are you making a pass at me?
cm: Do you wear shorts as short as the ones you wore in Wet Hot?
mib: No.
cm: You ever fight with the other two "Stellas"?
mib: We rarely fight, but we are often passive aggressive, which is just as good.
kittenpants: Which one of you has the shortest temper?
mib: Sho.
kp: The sweetest disposition?
mib: David.
kp: The prettiest eyes?
mib: None of us have pretty eyes. Mine are boring, David has glass eyes, and Showalter's eyes are dead.
kp: The smelliest feet?
mib: Don't know.
kp: The best taste in music?
mib: Showalter will say he has the best taste in music, but all he listens to is the Byrds.
kp: Makes the best pie?
mib: I make the best hair pie.
kp: Makes the best dickfish?
mib: You can't make dickfish, asshole.
kp: Tells the best stories?
mib: Rudyard Kipling.
kp: Which was your favorite Stella short film to make?
mib: They're all kind of equally boring to make, but I liked making the one in the woods with Paul Rudd because I got to use my son in it. He was six months old and had a bad cold, but that didn't stop from us stripping him naked and holding him upside down in forty degree weather. I'm an awesome dad.
kp: Is there a "dildo master" on set?
mib: Chet is the dildo master. He trained in France with the renowned Dildo Master Claude Genet. We're very, very lucky to have him.
kp: How much ass do you kick at Scrabble?
mib: I am an excellent Scrabble player for an amateur. This is largely due to the fact that I am constantly doing anagrams in my head. For example, kittenpants can be anagrammed into "stink patent" with an "n" left over. You get the idea.
kp: What is the first album you ever bought?
mib: The first album I remember specifically buying was Wham's "Make It Big." I didn't have much money and so I had very strict criteria for deciding which album to buy: it had to have four or more top ten songs on it. I already had "Thriller," so Wham was pretty much the only album out at that time that fit the criteria. Don't get me wrong - I loved Wham.
kp: What is the first concert you ever attended?
mib: Three Dog Night at the Garden State Arts Center when I was about six or seven. My lesbian mom took me. The first concert that I went to sans parent was Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. The first actual cool concert I went to was the Psychedelic Furs. I went with my girlfriend and this guy Craig who had a crush on my girlfriend. Fuck him.
kp: What's the last book you read?
mib: Just finished "The Mark of the Assassin" by David Silva. Trashy spy book. I go to the library a lot because it's free and it's a great place to hit on senior citizens.
cm: Who’s your top five bands?
mib: I don't like music, but if I had to pick the five most important bands to me over my lifetime, I would rank them as follows: 1. Husker Du. 2. Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" 3. The Thompson Twins just because they're awesome 4. Radiohead's "OK Computer" 5. N.W.A. because they taught me how to fuck shit up.
cm: Did you go to your prom or skip it?
mib: Went to Junior prom, skipped Senior prom. And it wasn't because I couldn't get a date. Okay, it was beause I couldn't get a date.
cm: Can you foot juggle?
mib: No, but I can make incredibly realistic fart sounds with my asshole.
cm: Jack Black, Frank Black, and Michael Ian Black have to unlock a portal that is locked from the other side. Frank Black has a key hand, Jack Black has wings, but the bionosphere will only allow Blacks with 3 names. How do you open the portal?
mib: Knock really loud and ask the janitor if we can come in. If he says no, bum rush him, then cock slap him into unconciousness.
cm: Do you like celebrity riddles?
mib: This was my first celebrity riddle, and I really enjoyed it. It was especially satisfying to finally figure out the correct solution.
kp: Tell us a story!
mib: There was once a lonely turtle. He decided to go into the woods to find another turtle to share his life. But the turtle was across a big road. Cars often whizzed by on the road, and the turtle was slow. He was afraid if he tried to cross the road he would get squashed. But he was very, very lonely, so he decided to summon all of his courage and cross the road. He got to the edge of the road and listened for cars. He heard none. He looked down both sides of the road for cars. He saw none. He sniffed the air for gasoline fumes. He smelled none. So the turtle began to cross the road. Then a car squashed him.
kp: Are you still mistaken for one of the Kids in the Hall?
mib: Constantly.
kp: Which one?
mib: We never get that far. They'll say, "Excuse me, weren't you in the Kids in the Hall?" I say, "No," and that's usually the end of it.